Dissolving Your Identity Loop
Why stepping into the next version of yourself can feel like insanity, and how to fix it.
Do you know what or who your identity is?
Honestly, that’s a trick question because you have several identities; we all do.
We have identities that are straightforward and more permanent like woman, mother, niece, auntie, daughter, etc. These are the identities that people can see and call out with ease.
Then we have other identities that aren’t so called out, or that can waiver like entrepreneur, account executive, party girl, honor roll student and so forth. These identities can be perceived more as what we do, and less about who we are.
But what happens when you’re ready to let go of one of those identities and move onto the next one? What happens when the party girl identity for example, no longer resonates because now you’re in your 30s?
What I see most commonly happen is what I call an identity loop.
This is the feeling of two steps forward and three steps back. This is when you are making progress in creating new habits for your new identity and then “reverting back to the old way”.
When I see this happen we’re often left with shame and frustration for not being able to keep moving forward at the speed we thought we should.
What if I told you though, that you’re technically not doing anything wrong, nor is it uncommon to go through this loop?
The thing about identities is multiple exist within us. We have the ones we’re born into or that become permanent; then we have some that stay dormant until discovered, and others that arise and stick around longer. The problem is the ones we allow to stick around longer start fighting the newer identities.
When we want to drastically change something about ourselves, like a bad habit for instance, we have two choices. We 1) change the beliefs that identity is holding onto while redefining what that means going forward, or 2) dissolve the identity completely.
I’ll give you an example.
Let’s say that you were the fun, party girl and you know that that version of you can no longer exist with where you’re going. You can redefine what being a fun, party girl means. Maybe now it means going out to business networking events instead of the club and mingling that way. Maybe fun is now brunch at a cafe with coffee instead of getting dressed up to go to the bar. With this you get to decide what has changed and keep the identity in an evolved way.
The other choice is to dissolve it. When I say dissolve I want you to picture when powder dissolves into liquid, because the reason I say dissolve is to remind you that it will always exist within you, but it’s no longer prevalent.
Going back to the party girl, you can completely dissolve that identity. The parts of her that were maybe a little too wild and crazy, drank too much, caused a little chaos. She becomes dissolved into a past version of yourself that no longer exists.
When the identity no longer exists we allow for a new identity to emerge. In this instance it can be a peaceful, calm version of you.
When a new identity emerges it’s going to feel uncomfortable at first. Your old identity is going to fight to stay relevant. In order to stop with the 3 steps forward 2 steps back, you have to keep choosing the new identity even when it’s uncomfortable.
This looks like reminding yourself “we’re not xx person anymore”.
This looks like sticking with the habits of your “new” identity.
This looks like declaring who this identity is and what she desires.
When you command more of yourself, your identity has no choice to uplevel with it.
The reason it’s easy to get in a loop is because the old identity wants to be relevant. Your actions and intentions are the deciding factor. The more we keep that door open, the more we give it another opportunity to emerge.
If you’re a Supernatural fan, think of Sam Winchester when he scratched the wall in his brain that death put up to shield his memories from his soul, and then all of his old memories came flooding back because the wall broke.
The way they come flooding back is what can sometimes happen within our identities when we leave too much of a door open.
I won’t sugar coat it, identity work is hard. It’s hard to choose a version of you that you don’t know in physical form yet and trust that reality will match it.
We run back to identities because that’s our comfort place. The ego’s job is to keep us safe and comfortable, so it will tempt you to go back.
If you want to get out of your identity loop get intentional, pay attention to what triggers you to go back to old ways and ask yourself how “future” you responds. Ask yourself, what does the next level version of you do, and then do it. The version of yourself you desire to be is in the daily choices that you make.